Did I know what I needed? Not really. I could neither holler nor whimper. Heather Kopp wrote on her blog a couple weeks ago about the blahs she was experiencing. As she wrote about needing help, she related it to Jesus’ question to the blind man in Luke 18:35-43, and specifically v. 41:
“What do you want me to do for you?”
Then Heather comments.
In the past I’ve been taught that Jesus asks his question because not everyone who’s sick or disabled wants to be made well. Didn’t you know—maybe you’ve heard this too—that some would rather suffer than take responsibility for their lives?
I used to think that. But these days, I’m more inclined to believe that if a really sick person doesn’t want to get well, that’s a good indication that they’re far too sick to know what they want.
Which isn’t a bad laymen’s definition for active alcoholism, or for that matter, clinical depression.
The highlighted portion really struck me. At first her assessment seems too strong, too judgmental, too cruel? But after further reflecting on this and my own experiences with depression, I tend to agree with her. I know that at the very worst of my depression 15 years ago, I was so depressed I really did not know what I wanted. I knew something was wrong, horribly wrong, but that was all. I wanted something different than what I was experiencing, but couldn’t even put that into words.
All he did was holler bloody murder for the one thing Jesus never denied a single person or ever will.
I couldn’t holler (yep, grew up on a farm and knew the meaning of that word!), not when I was depressed. At best I could mumble something close to desperation, nothing more, and sometimes less. But the reality is that Jesus was listening, is listening.
So, whether it is a holler at the top of your lungs, or a gasp of the breath, speak to Jesus. Even if it doesn’t make sense. How many prayers really make sense when they express the inner turmoil, hurt, desperation of the heart?
These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him. (1 John 5:13-15 NAS)
Even when I could not articulate it well, that was my confidence. This is my confidence today.